We had a fight. My husband and me. I had been away a few days, and I returned, thinking of course we’ll be spending time hanging out on the couch in front of the TV with our dinner as we always do.
We watched one Netflix episode, and he got up and started doing other things.
Yup, you know this feeling, you were expecting one thing, and something different happened.
So my brain goes into problem solving. Hmmm, I said, I don’t see a solution to this. It seems our evenings end after 1 episode, and there’s never a chance to stay and hang out on the couch.
Why did I say that?
I wanted to FEEL better. I was feeling rejected because he got up.
I was “just coming up with a new evening routine for us, for our relationship” I was telling myself and him. But really, I didn’t want to feel rejection, and instead of feeling rejection, I tried to have a discussion, explain what I wanted, and when he said he was feeling accused of doing it wrong, I grew more and more frustrated, and then, I yelled, and cursed.
Why did I even start this cascade of events?
Why did I suggest a different way to be in the evenings?
I was unwilling to be in my feeling of rejection. I don’t want to feel rejected.
So I’ll just change what he does so that I can feel accepted.
If I change him, I’ll feel better.
If I change the person or words or circumstance to create feelings I want, then I don’t have to feel the negative feelings.
Except what others think, believe, say, do, just isn’t in our control. It’s just not. We can try to change them, but they will not change, at least not in the moment.
So what can we do, when we are in the moment, and we can’t change them?
We create awareness of:
In coaching, we focus on the thoughts that are helping us and the thoughts that aren’t.
We decide which to keep, and which to abandon.
We decide how to stay with the feelings we are having, may they be feelings we like or feelings we don’t.
And from those feelings, we see what actions we take (Or avoid) and how the actions create our results.
In coaching, we teach that every result in our lives are a direct link to the thoughts we believe. We also teach that the thoughts we choose are a choice. Yes, it’s true.
